Chapter 39 - The Character Issue: Parents as Teachers / 第39章 - 品格问题：父母作为老师

Schools学校/skuːlz/ have tried to implement实施/ˈɪmplɪment/ "character training," an enterprise事业/ˈentəpraɪz/ that's bound to fail失败/feɪl/ because it's been taught in a theological神学的/θiːəˈlɒdʒɪkəl/ and philosophical哲学的/fɪləˈsɒfɪkəl/ vacuum真空/ˈvækjuːm/. Moral issues问题/ˈɪʃuːz/ are discussed, but no one moral standard标准/ˈstændəd/ can be settled on since someone might disagree不同意/dɪsəˈɡriː/ and the beliefs信念/bɪˈliːfs/ of all must be respected尊重/rɪˈspektɪd/.

Right and wrong can't be asserted断言/əˈsɜːtɪd/ with too much vigor活力/ˈvɪɡə/ because "we want our children to be tolerant宽容的/ˈtɒlərənt/, and we sometimes seem to think that a too sure sense of right and wrong only produces fanatics狂热分子/fəˈnætɪks/."

Character training isn't some sort of subject科目/ˈsʌbdʒɪkt/, like algebra代数/ˈældʒɪbrə/ or spelling拼写/ˈspelɪŋ/, that can be packaged包装/ˈpækɪdʒd/ into a curriculum课程/kəˈrɪkjələm/ and taught to everyone, regardless of belief信念/bɪˈliːf/. The definition定义/defɪˈnɪʃən/ of character is tied to standards of right and wrong, which in turn are tied to religious宗教的/rɪˈlɪdʒəs/ belief; the training of character is done through example榜样/ɪɡˈzɑːmpl/ and teaching—not in a classroom教室/ˈklɑːsruːm/, but in daily life.

What is character? Character is the possession拥有/pəˈzeʃən/ of moral qualities品质/ˈkwɒlɪtiz/ that have become habits习惯/ˈhæbɪts/ of life. As a partial部分的/ˈpɑːʃəl/ list, we offer:

While we can't imagine想象/ɪˈmædʒɪn/ anyone arguing争论/ˈɑːɡjuːɪŋ/ about the components组成部分/kəmˈpəʊnənts/ of this list, we also can't figure out how to teach them in the abstract抽象/ˈæbstrækt/ without some sort of philosophical哲学的/fɪləˈsɒfɪkəl/, theological神学的/θiːəˈlɒdʒɪkəl/ underpinning基础/ˈʌndəpɪnɪŋ/ (taboo in public schools).

Be diligent勤奋的/ˈdɪlɪdʒənt/, the teacher of the character curriculum课程/kəˈrɪkjələm/ says.

The student yawns打哈欠/jɔːnz/: I'm bored无聊的/bɔːd/ with the subject. I don't see what good it's doing me. So why be diligent?

As parents父母/ˈpeərənts/, we answer: Because we believe that this subject will do you good down the road路/rəʊd/, and that's what we're aiming瞄准/ˈeɪmɪŋ/ you toward. (Schools don't really have the right—or the authority权威/ɔːˈθɒrɪti/—to make career职业/kəˈrɪə/ plans for students. Parents do.) And even if you don't see this, we have the responsibility责任/rɪspɒnsəˈbɪləti/ of planning for your future and the authority to tell you how to prepare准备/prɪˈpeə/ for it.

This is our approach方法/əˈprəʊtʃ/—yours might be different. The point is that the parent and child share a context背景/ˈkɒntekst/—a worldview世界观worldview - 人生观—within which certain qualities of character can be explained解释/ɪkˈspleɪnd/ in a way that makes sense. Without this shared context, character training becomes a matter of following pointless无意义的/ˈpɔɪntləs/ rules. And this sort of character building lasts only until the student reaches the age of independence独立/ɪndɪˈpendəns/.

When it comes to the more demanding要求高的/dɪˈmɑːndɪŋ/ virtues—tolerance宽容/ˈtɒlərəns/, forgiveness宽恕/fəˈɡɪvnəs/, humility谦逊/hjuːˈmɪləti/—that shared context is even more vital. The Christian基督徒/ˈkrɪstʃən/ believes in a forgiveness that is modeled模仿/ˈmɒdəld/ after God's—it doesn't expire到期/ɪkˈspaɪə/ after a certain number of offenses冒犯/əˈfensɪz/. A secular世俗的/ˈsekjələ/, Muslim, Buddhist, or Scientologist definition of forgiveness might be expressed differently.

The unfortunate不幸的/ʌnˈfɔːtʃənət/ teacher, honor-bound not to step on anyone's toes, has to allow the class to evolve发展/ɪˈvɒlv/ a lowest-common-denominator最小公分母/ˈləʊɪst ˈkɒmən dɪˈnɒmɪneɪtə/ definition of forgiveness from the students' shared consciousness意识/ˈkɒnʃəsnəs/. By the time this is done, the moral quality under discussion—supposedly a yardstick尺度/ˈjɑːdstɪk/ for the students to measure themselves against—has become a loosely worded definition of what everyone is prepared to accept.

To define character properly may be nearly impossible不可能的/ɪmˈpɒsəbl/ for schools, but to build character is even further out of the realm领域/relm/ of possibility. These moral qualities have to become habits, and habits are often achieved达成/əˈtʃiːvd/ by going against the immediate short-term desire欲望/dɪˈzaɪə/ of the child. This is a parent's job, not a teacher's.

If these moral qualities are to become habits of life, they must be reinforced强化/riːɪnˈfɔːst/ by both observation观察/ɒbzəˈveɪʃən/ and practice实践/ˈpræktɪs/. As you supervise监督/ˈsuːpəvaɪz/ your child's education, you can encourage鼓励/ɪnˈkʌrɪdʒ/ him to read books and watch movies that demonstrate展示/ˈdemənstreɪt/ admirable令人钦佩的/ˈædmərəbl/ character.

Be careful of the character content of teen or young-adult books. Some are excellent优秀的/ˈeksələnt/, some aren't. Jessie remembers her sixth-grade son picking up a book full of sexual性的/ˈsekʃuəl/ obsession迷恋/əbˈseʃən/ with no encouragement of positive morality道德/məˈræləti/. The author of that book has said in interviews采访/ˈɪntəvjuːz/ that any experience children have is a valid theme for literature文学/ˈlɪtərətʃə/. But the whole enterprise事业/ˈentəpraɪz/ of teaching character assumes that some experiences are worth dwelling专注/ˈdwelɪŋ/ on and striving for, while others aren't.

You must also be a model榜样/ˈmɒdl/ of these qualities every day. When you forgo放弃/fɔːˈɡəʊ/ your own wants to tutor辅导/ˈtjuːtə/ your child through fifth-grade math, you're demonstrating self-control. When you patiently go through a lesson several times until the child figures it out, you're showing perseverance毅力/pəsɪˈvɪərəns/. When you introduce a history lesson, complete with coloring books, paper models, and interesting books that you've collected, you're showing enthusiasm热情/ɪnˈθjuːziæzm/. When you turn off the TV because a program you want to watch wouldn't be good for your child, you're showing self-discipline. These qualities have to be internalized内化/ɪnˈtɜːnəlaɪzd/ by the child, and this will only happen if she continually sees them being practiced by you.

As you work with her every day, you're helping her to put good character into practice. To develop character, a child has to learn obedience服从/əˈbiːdiəns/. Obviously, strict obedience changes as the child grows older and shows herself to be responsible负责任的/rɪˈspɒnsəbl/. But it is impossible to teach a child over whom you have no control (ask any public-school teacher). Currently, obedience is a virtue that isn't popular since it's at odds with the autonomy自主权/ɔːˈtɒnəmi/ now touted as being essential to proper development.

But total autonomy—what I want supersedes取代/suːpəˈsiːdz/ any consideration for family, community, or government—can ultimately turn into disregard for laws or restrictions限制/rɪˈstrɪkʃənz/. It's an expression of intelligent, loving care to teach a child that disregarding certain rules brings unpleasant不愉快的/ʌnˈpleznt/ consequences后果/ˈkɒnsɪkwənsɪz/. You can't live in the real world without structure and authority: every day, we stop at stop signs, drive on the right side of the road, refrain from stealing food at the grocery store. The child with character has learned to thrive within structure.

Requiring a child to work and study hard in the early years develops the moral qualities of industry勤勉/ˈɪndəstri/ and perseverance. This doesn't mean that the child has a cheerless无趣的/ˈtʃɪələs/ education. Many of the subjects studied are enjoyable愉快的/ɪnˈdʒɔɪəbl/, fascinating迷人的/ˈfæsɪneɪtɪŋ/, immediately engrossing引人入胜的/ɪnˈɡrəʊsɪŋ/. But others won't be instantly fun. Some will require hard work so that the student can acquire获得/əˈkwaɪə/ skills she'll need in the future. The reality of life is that disciplined有纪律的/ˈdɪsəplɪnd/ people usually accomplish more and can achieve their goals.

Powerful models of character are found in stories. Read them together. Talk about them. The joy of home education is that all of this learning takes place in the context of the family. You're not just teaching hard principles. You're also living them out. Thus, education becomes entwined交织/ɪnˈtwaɪnd/ with the living of life—together.

Guroian, Vigen. Tending the Heart of Virtue: How Classic Stories Awaken a Child's Moral Imagination. New York: Oxford University Press, 2002.

A fantastic book about good, evil, friendship, redemption, faith, and courage. Read it together, and read the books Guroian discusses. Available at bookstores and online.

Kilpatrick, William, Gregory Wolfe, and Suzanne M. Wolfe. Books That Build Character: A Guide to Teaching Your Child Moral Values through Stories. New York: Touchstone, 1994.

An introduction to morality, along with descriptions of dozens of stories for families to read together. Available at bookstores and online.