Chapter 38 - The Confident Child: Socialization
第38章 - 自信的孩子：社会化

"But what about socialization社会化/ˌsoʊʃələˈzeɪʃən/?" If you haven't asked this question问题/ˈkwestʃən/ already, a neighbor邻居/ˈneɪbər/ or grandparent certainly will.

The most convincing令人信服的/kənˈvɪnsɪŋ/ proof that home-educated children develop normally is a conversation对话/ˌkɑːnvərˈseɪʃən/ with a home-educated child who's bright, engaged, polite, interesting, and outgoing. Home-school graduates毕业生/ˈɡrædʒuəts/ get into college and do fine; they get jobs and excel.

But it's important to understand what socialization means. According to the dictionary字典/ˈdɪkʃəneri/, socialization is "the process by which a human being, beginning in infancy, acquires the habits习惯/ˈhæbɪts/, beliefs信念/bɪˈliːfs/, and accumulated knowledge of his society社会/səˈsaɪəti/."

In other words, you're being socialized when you learn habits, acquire beliefs, learn about the society around you, develop character性格，品格/ˈkærəktər/ traits, and become competent in the skills技能/skɪlz/ you need to function properly in society.

Who teaches all of this? Agents代理人，媒介/ˈeɪdʒənts/ of socialization include the family家庭/ˈfæməli/ (both immediate and extended), the religious community社区/kəˈmjuːnəti/, neighborhoods, tutors and mentors, the media媒体/ˈmiːdiə/ (TV, radio, films, books, magazines all tell the child what's expected of him, for better or worse), clubs (social or academic), the arts (both in observation and participation), travel, jobs, civic participation.

And formal schooling in an institution机构/ˌɪnstɪˈtuːʃən/. Taking the child out of school doesn't mean that you're going to remove移除/rɪˈmuːv/ him from the other "agents of socialization" that surround him.

Furthermore, think about the type of socialization that takes place in school. The child learns how to function in a specific environment环境/ɪnˈvaɪrənmənt/, one where he's surrounded被包围/səˈraʊndɪd/ by forty-five children his own age. This is a very specific type of socialization, one that may not prove particularly useful.

When, during the course of his life, will he find himself in this kind of context环境，背景/ˈkɑːntekst/? Not in work or in family life or in his hobbies. The classroom places the child in a peer-dominated同龄人主导的/pɪr ˈdɑːməneɪtɪd/ situation that he'll probably not experience again.

And this type of socialization may be damaging有害的/ˈdæmɪdʒɪŋ/. Thirty years ago, Cornell University professor of child development Urie Bronfenbrenner warned that the "socially-isolated, age-graded peer group" created a damaging dependency依赖性/dɪˈpendənsi/ in which middle-school students relied on their classmates for approval, direction, and affection.

He warned that if parents, other adults, and older children continued to be absent from the active daily life of younger children, we could expect "alienation疏远/ˌeɪliəˈneɪʃən/, indifference, antagonism, and violence on the part of the younger generation."

Peer同龄人/pɪr/ dependence is dangerous. When a child is desperate绝望的/ˈdespərət/ to fit in—to receive acceptance接受/ækˈseptəns/ from those who surround him all day, every day—he may defy your rules, go against his own conscience良心/ˈkɑːnʃəns/, or even break the law.

We live in an age in which people think a great deal about peers, talk about them constantly, and act as if a child's existence存在/ɪɡˈzɪstəns/ will be meaningless if he isn't accepted by his peer group. But the socialization that best prepares a child for the real world can't take place when a child is closed up in a classroom or always with his peer group.

It happens when the child is living with people who vary widely in age, personality个性/ˌpɜːrsəˈnæləti/, background, and circumstance环境，情况/ˈsɜːrkəmstæns/.

The antidote解药/ˈæntɪdoʊt/ for peer-centered socialization is to make the family the basic unit for socialization—the center of the child's experience. The family should be the place where real things happen, where there is a true interest兴趣/ˈɪntrəst/ in each other, acceptance, patience耐心/ˈpeɪʃəns/, and peace, as far as is possible.

Socialization in the family starts when very young children learn that they can trust信任/trʌst/ adults to give them answers, to read books to them, to talk to them, to listen to music with them. Socialization continues as the child learns to fit into the lives of his parents and siblings兄弟姐妹/ˈsɪblɪŋz/, to be considerate体贴的/kənˈsɪdərət/ and thoughtful of other people, to be unselfish instead of self-centered.

A two-year-old can learn to play alone for a few minutes while the parent teaches a ten-year-old; an eight-year-old can learn not to practice the piano during the baby's nap time. It's the real world when a child learns to play quietly because Daddy is working on his income收入/ˈɪnkʌm/ taxes.

In our society, children, taught by their peer groups, learn to survive生存/sərˈvaɪv/, not to live with kindness and grace. Exclusive peer groups—cliques小圈子/kliks/—start forming around age five. Even in kindergarten, children are accepted or rejected on the basis of what they wear, what toys they own, what TV programs they watch.

Even when adults are supervising监督/ˈsuːpərvaɪzɪŋ/, these cliques survive—and strengthen—as children grow. And only the strongest flourish繁荣/ˈflɜːrɪʃ/.

The trend in our culture is to devalue贬低/diːˈvæljuː/—even bypass—the family as a basic unit of socialization. But it's within the family that children learn to love by seeing love demonstrated; learn unselfishness both through teaching and through example (choosing to teach a child at home is unselfishness at work); learn conflict冲突/ˈkɑːnflɪkt/ resolution解决/ˌrezəˈluːʃən/ by figuring out how to get along with parents and with each other.

The family unit—this basic agent of socialization—is itself a place to communicate with people of different ages. But socialization doesn't stop there. As a family, you should make a wide range of friends of various ages. Home-school parent and lawyer Christopher Klicka points out that home-educated children are continually socialized through community社区community - 当地群体 activities, Little League, Scouts, band, music lessons, art classes, field trips, and the numerous events sponsored by local home-school support groups.

By means of these activities, parents teach children how to live in society and how to relate to others. In contrast, peer groups teach a child either to take direction from the most popular kid in school or to transform himself into the most popular kid at school, often sacrificing牺牲/ˈsækrɪfaɪsɪŋ/ intelligence and character in the process.

What about high school? High-school students demonstrate what sociologist Charles Horton Cooley describes as "the looking-glass self"—they evaluate评估/ɪˈvæljueɪt/ their worth by looking at themselves in the mirror held up by their peers.

Unfortunately, the qualities that lead to high-school success—such as peer popularity受欢迎程度/ˌpɑːpjəˈlærəti/ and athletic prowess技能/ˈpraʊəs/—are precisely those that may be of least use during later life. In contrast, the home-style classical education develops and rewards skills (perseverance坚持/ˌpɜːrsəˈvɪrəns/, dedication, patience) that will be useful in later life.

Is it more important that the high-school years be ones of dizzying social success followed by a lifetime of nostalgia怀旧/nɑːˈstældʒə/ or a time of preparation for a successful life?

Of course, high school isn't a "dizzying social success" for most people. [Jane Goodall story about chimp behavior paralleling high school dynamics follows...]

What about dating? We'll brave the collective wrath of American high-school students by suggesting that exclusive dating in high school is a waste浪费/weɪst/ of time. After all, what are you going to do if you fall deeply in love at seventeen? Get married? Break up? Have sex?

We believe that sex without commitment承诺/kəˈmɪtmənt/ is damaging at any age (we're pro-marriage). But it's even worse for teens, who are uncertain, vulnerable脆弱的/ˈvʌlnərəbl/, and unsure of their own attraction. Sex can be a powerful, manipulative操控的/məˈnɪpjələtɪv/ tool even for supposedly mature adults.

Positive socialization is all about living in your world responsibly, fulfilling your potential潜力/pəˈtenʃəl/, taking advantage of opportunity, making the lives of others around you better. You don't need the institutional school to teach these values to your child.

Practically speaking, you provide positive socialization through family-based and interest-based activities. The Red Cross offers CPR and baby-sitting instruction. Museums offer special classes. Church and community teams offer sports participation参与/pɑːrˌtɪsəˈpeɪʃən/. Clubs for every hobby from photography to stamp collecting meet regularly.

Nor should you be afraid of being alone. A measure of solitude独处/ˈsɑːlətuːd/ can develop creativity创造力/ˌkriːeɪˈtɪvəti/, self-reliance, and the habit of reflective thought. Socialize, but don't crowd the schedule so full that the child has no time to think, to sit and stare at the walls, to lie in the backyard and watch ants crawl by.